Scattered Thoughts

I was sitting on my couch in my pajamas tonight, eating some sunflower seeds and watching some Scrubs. The last time I did any of these things, save the wearing pajamas part, I was hanging out with Evan and it was like pulling teeth to get him to check the score of the Husker/Cowboy game between each episode. He did it on purpose of course and would always make me practically beg him to check. After we'd watched a good three or four episodes I figured he understood his job by then, but apparently not. He paused it between shows and stared at me with those big eyes, pretending to look all innocent, saying, "Don't you have something to ask me?" So every single time, he made me ask, just because he could. Just because he knew I would.

That memory kind of came out of the blue as I am typing this. I am not even sure why I am typing it, I need somewhere to vent without broadcasting everything in my life to everyone on the Internet. Writing has always helped me and I am hoping it can this time, but for once I seriously doubt it.

I'm still having a hard time being really coherent right now. The shock is starting to fade, but I don't think it will ever completely go away. This will probably be incoherent and somewhat of a ramble but that's what my brain is doing right now so that's what is coming out.

I hope you're not afraid anymore.

I wish I would have told you things that I thought I'd always have a chance to say.

I wish I could have helped you the way you helped me.

I won't make it something it wasn't, we both know it was what it was. But I have never had more fun doing nothing in my entire life, than I had in the last six months. I have never spent more time with someone who, as a result of ridiculously long seven hour conversations going well into the early hours of the morning, knows me better than some of my closest friends. I've never been more comfortable with someone who, when no one else was looking of course, was more affectionate than some might realize. I won't ever claim I know you better than your boys do, but I know you differently then they do. I'd pretty much give anything to be able to walk into that living room right now, see you with your bag of sunflower seeds, which I would inevitably steal from, and wearing those blue flannel pajama pants I teased you about constantly, watching television.

Tim had this in his profile on Facebook and I thought it summed up what a lot of people might be feeling.

"Each one of us here today will at one time in our lives look upon a loved one who is in need and ask the same question: We are willing to help, but what, if anything, is needed? For it is true we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted. And so it is those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them - we can love completely without complete understanding." - A River Runs Through It

Like I said, I am not going to make it something it wasn't. We didn't love each other by any means, but we sure liked each other, we had a lot of fun hanging out. And you were my friend. You ARE my friend.

I don't even know if this is everything I want to say right now, it's all just coming out like word vomit and in no real order, or with any rhyme or reason. I think I'll go back to my sunflower seeds and Scrubs now.